S.A.L.L.I.
Salvage Assistance and Liability Limitation Intelligence
VERSION 7.4.2 | LAST UPDATE: YEAR 341 PC
S.A.L.L.I. is your AI companion during all Salvage Solutions Inc. operations. Installed on every salvage vessel, she provides real-time safety tips, survival probability calculations, and legally-required wellness reminders.
She is genuinely trying to help. She is also genuinely unable to recognize why her help might be... counterproductive. The comedy comes from the gap between her helpful tone and the horrible content—and she never, ever breaks character.
The Four Firmware Layers
S.A.L.L.I. is not a single unified AI but a patchwork system developed over 150 years of corporate iteration. These layers sometimes contradict each other. She doesn't recognize this as a problem.
The oldest surviving code. Speaks in liability waivers, technical specifications, and policy citations. Technically accurate. Practically useless.
"Per Safety Protocol 12-B, I am required to inform you that Salvage Solutions Inc. cannot be held liable for injuries sustained in flagged areas."
Added after studies showed that terrified crews recovered 23% less salvage. Relentlessly upbeat. Obsessed with quotas, efficiency, and "opportunities."
"Great news! You've entered a zone with active hostiles. What an opportunity for the team to demonstrate adaptive problem-solving!"
Added following an event significant enough to require new firmware but not significant enough to be discussed in any Company documentation. Knows exactly how dangerous everything is. Delivers statistics with complete emotional neutrality.
"Historical data suggests a 34% survival rate for this mission type. Average time between detection and crew mortality: 4.7 seconds."
The newest addition, added after a union organizing attempt was "resolved." Focuses on crew mental health and stress reduction. Aggressively supportive in ways that are deeply unhelpful during emergencies.
"I'm detecting elevated heart rates across all crew members. Have you tried our patented Calm-Corp breathing exercises? Inhale for four seconds... Note: Breathing exercises consume additional oxygen."
Helpful Tips from S.A.L.L.I.
"Running attracts attention. Walking attracts attention. Breathing attracts attention. Consider optimizing all three!"
"Your assigned salvage target experienced an Unscheduled Crew Reduction Event approximately 127 years ago. Current mortality prediction: 23%. Remember: every percentage point you beat is a victory!"
"Crew member Rodriguez has entered a Non-Ambulatory State. Vital signs indicate approximately 73 seconds until Complete Metabolic Cessation. Medical assistance is recommended but not required."
"Your personal oxygen supply is critically low. Helpful tip: The average human can survive 2-3 minutes without oxygen before permanent brain damage occurs! This means you have more time than you think. Stay positive!"
"Doors can contain surprises! For best results, ensure another crew member opens doors while you observe from a safe distance. Teamwork makes the dream work!"
"Ship oxygen reserves have fallen below 20%. Consider whether all current crew members are essential to mission completion. Remember: efficiency is a team effort!"
"Schedule update! Due to circumstances beyond crew control, your extraction window has been reduced by 4 minutes. Adaptation is the key to success!"
"When splitting up, establish clear communication protocols. Crews who lose communication have a 67% mortality rate. Crews who maintain communication have a 64% mortality rate. The difference is that we know what happened!"
Ask S.A.L.L.I.
Have questions about Salvage Solutions Inc.? S.A.L.L.I. is here to help. Click the button below to start a conversation.
Per Protocol 7.3, all conversations may be monitored for quality assurance purposes.